Is time standing still.....

It's 1am and I find myself unable to concentrate on anything that I really need to be. I got a test tomorrow morning and I had all day to study for it and I am finding for some reason the inability to open the book and study. I have so much on my mind lately that I feel lost at times. I can't remember to many times in my life when I have felt this way. I feel really stressed about things that wouldn't make me feel that way say a year ago..It has been one crazy year for me. I am generally the type of person that doesn't let to much get to me cause there are things in life that you just can't control and the things that I can for the most part I handle them rather well.

I find myself lately thinking about my adopted daughter that I was able to find earlier this month. And although it has been a rather short time after finding her..it still feels like I am in the search mode mentally still. I guess in my dreams and hopes of finding her one day that it I would be talking to her as soon as she was found. That doesn't seem to be the case. I find myself wondering if she has changed her mind on wanting to find out who we are as her biological parents..If she is feeling some anger of sorts or if she is just feeling scared to find out where she came from or if she is feeling she isn't ready to find out just yet. I try to imagine what she must be going through..what she is feeling inside..what her thoughts might be..but I can never truly know that until she decides to call and talk with me. I know she had told the lady that contacted her with my information that it might take a bit of time for her to contact me and for me not to feel she is ignoring me cause shes not but that she would contact me soon.. I do find that encouraging to know..but it really doesn't change the anxiety I am feeling right now and have been for the last 3 weeks since she has been found. My phone hasn't left my side since finding her. I have felt inside for 22 years that a part of me has been lost in this world and that I may never be able to find it and now that I am so close to finding that part of me that has been lost I don't feel like a whole person yet if that makes any sense until I can hear her voice and tell her I have loved her so much from afar and that I so want to be a part of her life if that is something that she wants.... I wonder if she is more like her mom or more like me or a nice equal combination of us both. I wonder if she has had a good life so far and if she was loved by her adopted parents as much as I know she would of been loved by us if we would of been given the chance to be there to raise her together. There is one thing in this world that I hold true to myself is that I do love all my children and I try to be the best dad that I can be for them..I am human and may have not always made the best decisions in my life but loving my kids and being there for them the best I could has been one thing in my life that makes me who I am today and I hope that is something that my kids will remember when they are older about me.

I feel so blessed at times especially in the last few months on finding out I have a 4 year old daughter and that I have found my adopted daughter as well. I feel so sad and depressed lately that I wasn't there for these 2 girls that I have added to my life in the last 3 months and it weights heavy on my heart alot thinking about it.. It has been a difficult and trying time for me getting to know my 4 year old daughter as I never really knew her or was there to be in her life when she was younger and now all of a sudden there is this new dad in her life that she doesn't know but is picking her up and spending time with her when the other dad she has known since she was born is in jail right now and unable to see her that much..I feel sad and relieved at the same time. I know she is my child and when I look at her I can see that she is..but I don't feel that deep closeness to her just yet as I do with my other kids that I have been there for since they were born. I love spending time with her and we have fun doing things together and I am trying to not pressure her but on the other hand I am trying to be her dad and not having experience being her dad is very trying for me and confusing..I feel bad inside at times not a lot really but enough for me to notice what I am feeling of taking time away from my other 2 kids that live with me to spend time with her alone..or do things with her just me and her trying to spend father daughter time when lately I haven't been spending as much time as I should with my daughter that lives with me..granted she 14 and in that mode/age where maybe dad just isn't that cool to hang around with but I do my best to show her she is still the only daughter that I have known and been able to of been there for her since she was born. I think for the most part though under the circumstances that things are going ok for me and my new 4 year old daughter..she is calling me dad..she gives me hugs and kisses and of course tries to push dad around sometimes to see his limits or where her boundaries are but that is expected I guess. She sometimes doesn't want to go with me when I pick her up and that hurts when that happens when she cry's and wants to stay with her mommy or wants to run around with her little friends instead but once shes with me for about 10 minutes she is fine and we have a good time the rest of the night or weekend. I had to take her home yesterday and she I had to laugh didn't want to go home and wanted to stay with me and the other kids which made me happy. I am feeling better about the situation It just may be that my mind is dealing with so much other stuff that I don't always see the positive part of things until I can sit and analyze it all. I hope that I get that call soon and that I can be able to get to know my oldest daughter.

Crazy life 2010 update

So I see that I have been severly neglecting my blog. I haven't posted anything for over a year, well I have been busy with so much other stuff to really mess with my blogs to much but am hoping to to correct that. A lot has happened over this last year since April 09...there has been a many roller coaster rides in that time. Most of it seems a blur but I will try to do a recap of some of it. I guess the main and most important things that has happened since then is that in Sept of  09 I found an old girlfriend on Facebook..course shes not just any old girlfriend as we long story short had a child when we were young and the girl child was put up for adoption. With out going into a lot of details. We started searching for her and after about 10 months she has been found as of yesterday and we are both excited and nervous as well. I will post more on the subject later.

In April of 2010 after a long drawn out process I got full custody of the 2 kids with my x wife and they are living with me and we are doing well.. I also without going into great detail acquired another daughter through a dna test that was done on a little girl that her mom and I suspected could be mine for years...we finally decided to find out and she is mine as well...So in the last 3 months I have in a sense added two more children to my family. I couldn't ask for a better thing in life than to add 2 beautiful girls to my family..I am a very proud and happy dad. Thats all I feel like saying right now.