Twelve days till Christmas.....

I am so glad Christmas is almost here and gone. I always wish for the month of December to come and go faster than all the other months in the year. My December last year was surprisingly one of the happiest I have had for a very long time. Something happened to me last year that I will never forget and will cherish for the rest of my life. That's all I can really say about that. I was able to do some x-mas shopping today. I picked up a few things for the kids and although it was a little crowded the places I went it was nice to get through the checkouts rather fast. It was 8 degrees F today so it was a little on the breezy side to say the least but all in all it was a good shopping day. Last week I had one of my finals for school and I managed to pass the class with a 75 for the final grade. I have one more final this week due and I think I will do well on it enough to pass that class as well. It takes a lot of stress off me knowing I am going to pass the classes I took this quarter as some of my other quarters I didn't fair so well. I need to get registered for winter classes and should of done that a month ago but it is hard to register for classes when you are not sure if your going to pass the ones your taking which are prerequisites for other classes coming up. I'm just glad I have a little break before classes start on the 4th of January.

I found out a few days ago my daughter Jennifer is going to have a boy and a girl for her babies. I am excited for her and her husband Clark and their families. I hope sometime this year I will be able to see them all. Time will tell on that one I guess. It took me about a month to get a letter back to Jennifer. I have been so busy and I had the letter wrote out but just didn't get it mailed and kept adding to it but I finally managed to get it sent off to her in the mail and she has I'm sure received it. I look forward to hearing from her soon. I know she is very busy with things in her life with the twins coming and getting things organized I'm sure.

 

My situation with my other daughter Dori seems to being going ok is I guess the best I can describe it. It is frustrating for me at times dealing with the emotional things I am feeling in regards to her.It is very hard to read Dori at times. I had her about a week ago for the weekend and it was a interesting weekend. I say that cause I just wasn't sure how she was feeling really. She at times seemed like she was totally ok and then other times she just seemed distant from me. Almost every weekend she stays her she cry's and misses her mommy and other family and wants to go home. I find it very frustrating. I want her to get used to being with me and the other kids here and for the most part she does rather well but its when night time comes that she seems to have the most difficulty being here. She is a mommas girl and I guess I have not really had to deal with that with my own kids that have been around me all the time. I would so much like her to love me as much as her mom but I just don't know if that is ever going to happen. I don't even feel she really thinks about me when she is with her mom and other family. I really just don't know what to think or do about the situation other than just keep doing what I am doing. Picking her up on my weekends and trying to spend as much time with her as I can. Maybe when she gets older she will get better. It's hard to be around a child that just doesn't seem that interested in being with you.

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone. There has been a lot this year to be thankful for. I'm most thankful for my new daughters Jenna and Dori that have come into my life this year. God has blessed me for sure. I am thankful for my family and that everyone is healthy right now.

Double The Frosting!!

 It's been over a month again since I updated my blog. There's been many of nights I wanted to sit down and write some things on it but knew if I did I would be up late into the night. It has been as always another stressful month with stuff going on in my life. My 2 four year old children each had there 5 yr birthdays this month. One on the 24th and the other on the 25th. I pretty much started stressing about there birthdays in September trying to figure out how I was going to work out all the details of their parties. I finally got permission from CPS to spend time and have my daughter overnights again since they wanted to check my criminal record before they wanted to allow my daughter to spend time with me since the state has legal custody of her right now. I also took a 2nd DNA test through the state to make it official I was her birthfather and the results came today informing me of what I already know that she is my daughter. It was another hurdle to get over on my journey to get rights to this little girl and to get her original birth certificate changed and to get my name on it as her father and to finally have some rights to my daughter. Cps called me a week ago and said the criminal check came back fine of course and I could resume my visits with her and for her to stay overnights with me again. I was excited to get the news as it has been about a month since she has been here and able to stay. I've been a little frustrated over the last 2 weeks as she has somehow gotten head lice somewhere and cant seem to get rid of it and with that I have been unable to have her stay here with me..and my other kids for fear of my other daughter getting it..UGGGGGhhhh..very frustrating..I hope it is gonna be taken care of soon..

 The kids birthdays went rather well. Cadyns mom and I had his party on Saturday since his mom was going to be unavailable to see him on Monday cause of her work and other commitments. I really wanted to have Dori their for the party but Cadyns mom made it clear she didn't want to have her at her house or at our sons party. It was a little frustrating but I knew they would be together the next day for Dori's birthday on Sunday so I didn't make a big deal out of it since it was our sons birthday and it was his day. He has a good time and got lots of Thomas the Train stuff which is his favorite.



Dori's birthday went really well. I picked her up early Sunday morning and we had a little party for her before our planed Pumpkin Patch outing later in the day. She was very happy with her gifts dad got her and was very excited. I had a heck of time trying to figure out what to get her girls seem so much harder to shop for than boys for some reason but it worked out. After giving Dori her presents we went out to Roca Ne and went to the Pumpkin Patch and had a good time out there. We came home and then we had her blow the candles out of her cake. It was a great time and I enjoyed being able to hang out with Jacob,Kassi,Dori and Cadyn for the day. After both parties I ended up with 2 birthday cakes and kept one and sent the other one home with Dori.

 Its so amazing to be a father and to see and enjoy moments like these in your kids lives and cherish them.
Even though I am learning more about Dori every time I am with her.. I found myself thinking about my other daughter Jennifer throughout the day. I find myself thinking a lot about her and what kinda things she is doing in her life right now day to day. I think about all the birthdays I missed out on and all the other things I can never get back or experience with her as a little girl. To pick her up and hold her when she has fallen down, to wipe the tears away from her eyes and tell her everything is going to be fine. It saddens me everyday to think about those kind of things. Meanwhile I have another daughter that I hardly know and I have been able to pick her up when she has fallen down and wiped her tears away and told her that everything is going to be fine.I don't know...it's very confusing for me at times. My heart aches so much right now and I don't really know how to make it all stop. I often talk to Jennifer's birth mother about these feelings I am having to maybe get some insight as she also has a 5 year old little girl and shares the loss with me on things we have missed out on in our daughters life. Finding our daughter has filled a hole in both of us that we have carried for the last 23 years and has brought relief to a part of our lives that has been missing for so long. We are truly blessed and I am glad that we are able to share in this experience together as no one else in our family's really truly understands what we are going through right now. It is difficult to have loved someone so much, to then loose them but then find out later you had a child with them..to only loose them again..and to then find them 22 years later and then finding that child within another year..it is truly an emotional roller coaster words just cant describe. I know there are a great many things Michelle is going through emotionally right now that I will never be able to feel or imagine but I hope in time things will get better for us both and the healing will begin as we get to know our daughter more. I hope to hear from Jennifer soon.

I really hate when fall starts and also the beginning of winter. It always sends a signal to my brain that Thanksgiving is coming and Christmas. I think last year I didn't even go anywhere for thanksgiving I stayed home alone and had a turkey pot pie and just relaxed..I just didn't want to be around anyone and any invites I got I told them I had other plans with family. I felt more comfortable just being alone. Christmas has been pretty much ruined for me I think for the rest of my life. I enjoy doing it for the kids and this year is going to be more interesting for sure with Dori and Jennifer in the picture but again for me to many bad things and memories surround this time of year and every year it all comes back to me and just makes me feel blahhhh....
Who knows maybe this year things will be different. I love you Jennifer, Andrew, Jacob, Kassi, Dori and Cadyn. I cherish each and everyone of you.

The time has come.

      I received a letter from my adopted daughter on the 15th of September. I was taking my 14 year old daughter into Lincoln for an appointment and had stopped and got the mail. I seen I had a few standard shaped letters in with the junk mail I got so I put the mail by my side as I was driving in to Lincoln. Halfway to Lincoln I wondered what I had received in the mail so I went through it and I seen a letter and recognized the first name on it of who it was from... It was from Jennifer my daughter that was put up for adoption 23 years ago. I about drove off the road as I was looking at it. I was so nervous and scared to even open it. I txted her bio-mom that I had just received a letter from our daughter and she was excited. It was a good 15 minutes before I actually opened it, as I was driving and needed to pay attention to my driving and after I dropped Kassi off at her appointment. I pulled over to the park that was close by and preceded to open it. She had been kind enough to send me a picture of her and her husband Clark and I was mesmerized just staring at her picture for the longest time before I even read the letter she wrote. She has her moms nose I noticed right away which made me smile greatly. She told me about how her life was and lots of other things that were wonderful to hear. Most importantly she was loved by her adopted parents and they took care of her to the best of their abilities. It was such a wonderful letter. It brought so much joy to my heart and relief to know she wasn't angry at us. It was the second sentence she wrote to me that caught me a little off guard I guess as she assumed that it was a joint decision Michelle and I made to give her away. In my letter back to her I made it clear to her that I had no part in the decision to give her away..as I was never told about her birth or adoption till a year after it had happened. And I told her that if I had been informed of her birth that I would of done everything in my power to of kept her. I have hopes that she understands what I said and doesn't take it the wrong way. I just wanted her to know the truth and that had I known I would of fought to the end to keep her if it would of been in my power to do so.

      I stayed up most the night writing to her about other things and trying to answer some of her questions to the best of my ability. But as I wrote more and more to her I started to feel an anger inside me building. It was by no means directed at her or from anything really in her letter. It was the anger I had felt when I first found out about her and her being adopted out without me being told about it..the same anger I had felt over the many years of knowing she was out there and that I had no control over what decisions had been made, and I feel like my little girl was stolen from me as well as the oppertunity to raise her and to have her in my life. I feel like she was kidnapped from me if that makes any sense at all. That is what I was feeling a good part of the day yesterday. I still feel angry to some extent and I will for a while till I can figure it all out..But what I don't want to happen is to allow these feelings to affect my relationship with her or the opportunity to get to know who she is now. I know I can't change what has happened. And my love for this child I never knew I have had in my heart..tells me that yes in the big picture of it all..it was probably the best thing for her to be raised by a stable couple that I know now loved her so much and provided for her honestly better than what her mom and I could of probably done...financially..I know though we would of done our best to provide for her and give her all the love she would of needed and I think that would of been enough for her. What I am going to focus on now is what it is I need to do now to get to know who she is and to learn as much as I can about her and her life and I pray to establish some kind of relationship with her that she is comfortable with. Michelle and I feel so proud of her for what she has accomplished in her life so far and the beautiful woman she has turned into. There are so many people still out there searching for there lost loved ones and we are one of the lucky ones that have been able to reconnect after all these years with effort on both sides...cause honestly I don't think I would of ever been able to find her if she hadn't registered with the Missouri Adoption Registry and put forth the courage and willingness to try to find us as well. We are all truly blessed and now is the time for us to get to know each other and enjoy what it is we have been waiting so long to know. The time has come to put away the negative thoughts I have and to move on. To try to forgive..to think of all the positive things I have learned in the last few months...that she is Alive..that she is doing ok..that she had loving caring parents that guided her to be the woman she is today and that her parents have supported her in her search for her biological parents. I don't know how much better things could of turned out cause right now at this moment I know her name..where she lives and that she has someone she loves the same as I loved Michelle. This year is one of the best years I have had in my life as well as the years my other children came into my world and blessed my life. I hope she can accept me for me despite my mistakes I have made in this world or decisions I have chosen that have put me where I am at this moment in my life. Time will tell how this all will work out...I am just so grateful for everything right now...






   

Is time standing still.....

It's 1am and I find myself unable to concentrate on anything that I really need to be. I got a test tomorrow morning and I had all day to study for it and I am finding for some reason the inability to open the book and study. I have so much on my mind lately that I feel lost at times. I can't remember to many times in my life when I have felt this way. I feel really stressed about things that wouldn't make me feel that way say a year ago..It has been one crazy year for me. I am generally the type of person that doesn't let to much get to me cause there are things in life that you just can't control and the things that I can for the most part I handle them rather well.

I find myself lately thinking about my adopted daughter that I was able to find earlier this month. And although it has been a rather short time after finding her..it still feels like I am in the search mode mentally still. I guess in my dreams and hopes of finding her one day that it I would be talking to her as soon as she was found. That doesn't seem to be the case. I find myself wondering if she has changed her mind on wanting to find out who we are as her biological parents..If she is feeling some anger of sorts or if she is just feeling scared to find out where she came from or if she is feeling she isn't ready to find out just yet. I try to imagine what she must be going through..what she is feeling inside..what her thoughts might be..but I can never truly know that until she decides to call and talk with me. I know she had told the lady that contacted her with my information that it might take a bit of time for her to contact me and for me not to feel she is ignoring me cause shes not but that she would contact me soon.. I do find that encouraging to know..but it really doesn't change the anxiety I am feeling right now and have been for the last 3 weeks since she has been found. My phone hasn't left my side since finding her. I have felt inside for 22 years that a part of me has been lost in this world and that I may never be able to find it and now that I am so close to finding that part of me that has been lost I don't feel like a whole person yet if that makes any sense until I can hear her voice and tell her I have loved her so much from afar and that I so want to be a part of her life if that is something that she wants.... I wonder if she is more like her mom or more like me or a nice equal combination of us both. I wonder if she has had a good life so far and if she was loved by her adopted parents as much as I know she would of been loved by us if we would of been given the chance to be there to raise her together. There is one thing in this world that I hold true to myself is that I do love all my children and I try to be the best dad that I can be for them..I am human and may have not always made the best decisions in my life but loving my kids and being there for them the best I could has been one thing in my life that makes me who I am today and I hope that is something that my kids will remember when they are older about me.

I feel so blessed at times especially in the last few months on finding out I have a 4 year old daughter and that I have found my adopted daughter as well. I feel so sad and depressed lately that I wasn't there for these 2 girls that I have added to my life in the last 3 months and it weights heavy on my heart alot thinking about it.. It has been a difficult and trying time for me getting to know my 4 year old daughter as I never really knew her or was there to be in her life when she was younger and now all of a sudden there is this new dad in her life that she doesn't know but is picking her up and spending time with her when the other dad she has known since she was born is in jail right now and unable to see her that much..I feel sad and relieved at the same time. I know she is my child and when I look at her I can see that she is..but I don't feel that deep closeness to her just yet as I do with my other kids that I have been there for since they were born. I love spending time with her and we have fun doing things together and I am trying to not pressure her but on the other hand I am trying to be her dad and not having experience being her dad is very trying for me and confusing..I feel bad inside at times not a lot really but enough for me to notice what I am feeling of taking time away from my other 2 kids that live with me to spend time with her alone..or do things with her just me and her trying to spend father daughter time when lately I haven't been spending as much time as I should with my daughter that lives with me..granted she 14 and in that mode/age where maybe dad just isn't that cool to hang around with but I do my best to show her she is still the only daughter that I have known and been able to of been there for her since she was born. I think for the most part though under the circumstances that things are going ok for me and my new 4 year old daughter..she is calling me dad..she gives me hugs and kisses and of course tries to push dad around sometimes to see his limits or where her boundaries are but that is expected I guess. She sometimes doesn't want to go with me when I pick her up and that hurts when that happens when she cry's and wants to stay with her mommy or wants to run around with her little friends instead but once shes with me for about 10 minutes she is fine and we have a good time the rest of the night or weekend. I had to take her home yesterday and she I had to laugh didn't want to go home and wanted to stay with me and the other kids which made me happy. I am feeling better about the situation It just may be that my mind is dealing with so much other stuff that I don't always see the positive part of things until I can sit and analyze it all. I hope that I get that call soon and that I can be able to get to know my oldest daughter.

Crazy life 2010 update

So I see that I have been severly neglecting my blog. I haven't posted anything for over a year, well I have been busy with so much other stuff to really mess with my blogs to much but am hoping to to correct that. A lot has happened over this last year since April 09...there has been a many roller coaster rides in that time. Most of it seems a blur but I will try to do a recap of some of it. I guess the main and most important things that has happened since then is that in Sept of  09 I found an old girlfriend on Facebook..course shes not just any old girlfriend as we long story short had a child when we were young and the girl child was put up for adoption. With out going into a lot of details. We started searching for her and after about 10 months she has been found as of yesterday and we are both excited and nervous as well. I will post more on the subject later.

In April of 2010 after a long drawn out process I got full custody of the 2 kids with my x wife and they are living with me and we are doing well.. I also without going into great detail acquired another daughter through a dna test that was done on a little girl that her mom and I suspected could be mine for years...we finally decided to find out and she is mine as well...So in the last 3 months I have in a sense added two more children to my family. I couldn't ask for a better thing in life than to add 2 beautiful girls to my family..I am a very proud and happy dad. Thats all I feel like saying right now.