It's been over a month again since I updated my blog. There's been many of nights I wanted to sit down and write some things on it but knew if I did I would be up late into the night. It has been as always another stressful month with stuff going on in my life. My 2 four year old children each had there 5 yr birthdays this month. One on the 24th and the other on the 25th. I pretty much started stressing about there birthdays in September trying to figure out how I was going to work out all the details of their parties. I finally got permission from CPS to spend time and have my daughter overnights again since they wanted to check my criminal record before they wanted to allow my daughter to spend time with me since the state has legal custody of her right now. I also took a 2nd DNA test through the state to make it official I was her birthfather and the results came today informing me of what I already know that she is my daughter. It was another hurdle to get over on my journey to get rights to this little girl and to get her original birth certificate changed and to get my name on it as her father and to finally have some rights to my daughter. Cps called me a week ago and said the criminal check came back fine of course and I could resume my visits with her and for her to stay overnights with me again. I was excited to get the news as it has been about a month since she has been here and able to stay. I've been a little frustrated over the last 2 weeks as she has somehow gotten head lice somewhere and cant seem to get rid of it and with that I have been unable to have her stay here with me..and my other kids for fear of my other daughter getting it..UGGGGGhhhh..very frustrating..I hope it is gonna be taken care of soon..
Dori's birthday went really well. I picked her up early Sunday morning and we had a little party for her before our planed Pumpkin Patch outing later in the day. She was very happy with her gifts dad got her and was very excited. I had a heck of time trying to figure out what to get her girls seem so much harder to shop for than boys for some reason but it worked out. After giving Dori her presents we went out to Roca Ne and went to the Pumpkin Patch and had a good time out there. We came home and then we had her blow the candles out of her cake. It was a great time and I enjoyed being able to hang out with Jacob,Kassi,Dori and Cadyn for the day. After both parties I ended up with 2 birthday cakes and kept one and sent the other one home with Dori.
Even though I am learning more about Dori every time I am with her.. I found myself thinking about my other daughter Jennifer throughout the day. I find myself thinking a lot about her and what kinda things she is doing in her life right now day to day. I think about all the birthdays I missed out on and all the other things I can never get back or experience with her as a little girl. To pick her up and hold her when she has fallen down, to wipe the tears away from her eyes and tell her everything is going to be fine. It saddens me everyday to think about those kind of things. Meanwhile I have another daughter that I hardly know and I have been able to pick her up when she has fallen down and wiped her tears away and told her that everything is going to be fine.I don't know...it's very confusing for me at times. My heart aches so much right now and I don't really know how to make it all stop. I often talk to Jennifer's birth mother about these feelings I am having to maybe get some insight as she also has a 5 year old little girl and shares the loss with me on things we have missed out on in our daughters life. Finding our daughter has filled a hole in both of us that we have carried for the last 23 years and has brought relief to a part of our lives that has been missing for so long. We are truly blessed and I am glad that we are able to share in this experience together as no one else in our family's really truly understands what we are going through right now. It is difficult to have loved someone so much, to then loose them but then find out later you had a child with them..to only loose them again..and to then find them 22 years later and then finding that child within another year..it is truly an emotional roller coaster words just cant describe. I know there are a great many things Michelle is going through emotionally right now that I will never be able to feel or imagine but I hope in time things will get better for us both and the healing will begin as we get to know our daughter more. I hope to hear from Jennifer soon.
I really hate when fall starts and also the beginning of winter. It always sends a signal to my brain that Thanksgiving is coming and Christmas. I think last year I didn't even go anywhere for thanksgiving I stayed home alone and had a turkey pot pie and just relaxed..I just didn't want to be around anyone and any invites I got I told them I had other plans with family. I felt more comfortable just being alone. Christmas has been pretty much ruined for me I think for the rest of my life. I enjoy doing it for the kids and this year is going to be more interesting for sure with Dori and Jennifer in the picture but again for me to many bad things and memories surround this time of year and every year it all comes back to me and just makes me feel blahhhh....
Who knows maybe this year things will be different. I love you Jennifer, Andrew, Jacob, Kassi, Dori and Cadyn. I cherish each and everyone of you.
