Friday, September 17, 2010

The time has come.

      I received a letter from my adopted daughter on the 15th of September. I was taking my 14 year old daughter into Lincoln for an appointment and had stopped and got the mail. I seen I had a few standard shaped letters in with the junk mail I got so I put the mail by my side as I was driving in to Lincoln. Halfway to Lincoln I wondered what I had received in the mail so I went through it and I seen a letter and recognized the first name on it of who it was from... It was from Jennifer my daughter that was put up for adoption 23 years ago. I about drove off the road as I was looking at it. I was so nervous and scared to even open it. I txted her bio-mom that I had just received a letter from our daughter and she was excited. It was a good 15 minutes before I actually opened it, as I was driving and needed to pay attention to my driving and after I dropped Kassi off at her appointment. I pulled over to the park that was close by and preceded to open it. She had been kind enough to send me a picture of her and her husband Clark and I was mesmerized just staring at her picture for the longest time before I even read the letter she wrote. She has her moms nose I noticed right away which made me smile greatly. She told me about how her life was and lots of other things that were wonderful to hear. Most importantly she was loved by her adopted parents and they took care of her to the best of their abilities. It was such a wonderful letter. It brought so much joy to my heart and relief to know she wasn't angry at us. It was the second sentence she wrote to me that caught me a little off guard I guess as she assumed that it was a joint decision Michelle and I made to give her away. In my letter back to her I made it clear to her that I had no part in the decision to give her away..as I was never told about her birth or adoption till a year after it had happened. And I told her that if I had been informed of her birth that I would of done everything in my power to of kept her. I have hopes that she understands what I said and doesn't take it the wrong way. I just wanted her to know the truth and that had I known I would of fought to the end to keep her if it would of been in my power to do so.

      I stayed up most the night writing to her about other things and trying to answer some of her questions to the best of my ability. But as I wrote more and more to her I started to feel an anger inside me building. It was by no means directed at her or from anything really in her letter. It was the anger I had felt when I first found out about her and her being adopted out without me being told about it..the same anger I had felt over the many years of knowing she was out there and that I had no control over what decisions had been made, and I feel like my little girl was stolen from me as well as the oppertunity to raise her and to have her in my life. I feel like she was kidnapped from me if that makes any sense at all. That is what I was feeling a good part of the day yesterday. I still feel angry to some extent and I will for a while till I can figure it all out..But what I don't want to happen is to allow these feelings to affect my relationship with her or the opportunity to get to know who she is now. I know I can't change what has happened. And my love for this child I never knew I have had in my heart..tells me that yes in the big picture of it all..it was probably the best thing for her to be raised by a stable couple that I know now loved her so much and provided for her honestly better than what her mom and I could of probably done...financially..I know though we would of done our best to provide for her and give her all the love she would of needed and I think that would of been enough for her. What I am going to focus on now is what it is I need to do now to get to know who she is and to learn as much as I can about her and her life and I pray to establish some kind of relationship with her that she is comfortable with. Michelle and I feel so proud of her for what she has accomplished in her life so far and the beautiful woman she has turned into. There are so many people still out there searching for there lost loved ones and we are one of the lucky ones that have been able to reconnect after all these years with effort on both sides...cause honestly I don't think I would of ever been able to find her if she hadn't registered with the Missouri Adoption Registry and put forth the courage and willingness to try to find us as well. We are all truly blessed and now is the time for us to get to know each other and enjoy what it is we have been waiting so long to know. The time has come to put away the negative thoughts I have and to move on. To try to forgive..to think of all the positive things I have learned in the last few months...that she is Alive..that she is doing ok..that she had loving caring parents that guided her to be the woman she is today and that her parents have supported her in her search for her biological parents. I don't know how much better things could of turned out cause right now at this moment I know her name..where she lives and that she has someone she loves the same as I loved Michelle. This year is one of the best years I have had in my life as well as the years my other children came into my world and blessed my life. I hope she can accept me for me despite my mistakes I have made in this world or decisions I have chosen that have put me where I am at this moment in my life. Time will tell how this all will work out...I am just so grateful for everything right now...